Lonely This Christmas
by Rose G
Summary: Neither Ianto or Jack have the person they love to spend Christmas with. An interlude in the Hub their search for someone, anyone, to fill that gap. Warning for nonconsenual scenes.


Lonely This Christmas

Rose G

Disclaimer – All characters are the property of the BBC; I've made no money from their use.

Outline - _It's gonna be lonely this Christmas, without you to hold._

Christmas in the Hub for Jack and Ianto, without the Doctor and Lisa. Second best can almost be good enough.

'I thought I gave you the day off, Ianto.'

'I didn't think you'd be here today, Sir.'

'Where else would I be?' Jack moved back from the door - he'd been waiting there as Ianto had let himself in, as if he'd watched him coming across the fog shrouded basin. 'Come on, might as well come in. What excuse you got?'

'Didn't feel like staying in. Couldn't think of anywhere else to go - places that might be open. Didn't have enough cash on me to get a drink somewhere, even. What about you, Sir?'

'Can't you drop that for today? No-one else ever bothers with it.'

Ianto almost smiled, looking apologetic but shaking his head. This man, his Captain, would never be 'Jack' to him; he could never think of him so familiarly.

'It's only a name. I haven't got a problem with it. Anyway, shouldn't you be having dinner somewhere? What about family or that?'

The Hub, empty except for themselves and Myfanwy, made Jack's last words echo and gave them even more of a lead weight significance, as though the Captain had deliberately meant to hurt Ianto. He went to turn away, was stopped by Jack's hand on his shoulder.

'Bugger. I didn't mean it to sound...like that.' His face twisted in what seemed genuine regret.

'It's okay.' Words couldn't hurt worse than the emptiness in his chest, the loneliness of having had no-one to buy presents or cards for, no-one to greet him this morning. The simple contact between their bodies - Jack's strong fingers laying so gently on his shoulder - hurt as well; the last physical contact he remembered with anyone had been after Countrycide - Owen's name, that - and that had been Jack as well, checking him over. Duty. Human, unforced contact like that, he couldn't remember.

'It isn't...I'm sorry.'

They stood there awkwardly for a minute, until he realised that Jack had never answered his original question. 'What about you? Why are you here?'

Jack shrugged. 'Aliens never know it's Christmas. Nor the Rift. Still needs watching. And last Christmas, I wasn't here and he turned up at Torchwood One. If I'd been here, maybe he would have come for me and it would have been different... We could have done something together against the Cybermen, me and him, but he never came looking for me because I wasn't here...'

'He?' Ianto queried, feeling the strength of Jack's feelings in the iron-like grip on his shoulder and trying not to flinch from it.

'Yes, 'he.' I loved him.' He swung away and stood with his back to Ianto. 'Did you come to be here alone or what? I can go shoot Weevil cut-outs for a bit if you do.'

'What, and leave me to clear all the mess up after? I was hoping you'd be here, Sir.'

'Oh yeah?' There was a note of interest to his voice now, making Ianto realise how dead his own must sound in comparison; since Lisa's death - since this man had shot her, his subconscious prompted - he'd felt no interest in anything. At first, even his own survival had seemed boring and he'd not been able to hate the Captain as he wished he could. What he felt now, he still wasn't sure. Too muted, too far away to matter to him.

'So, you hoping I'd be here...Is that the reason for the outfit, then?' He looked Ianto over, pointedly. 'I know I said you look good in a suit, but I think I prefer this. Mind, if you start turning up for work like that, I'll have to stop you else I'll never get anything done.'

'You don't anyway; you leave it all to me.'

It was the first time he'd ever teased Jack like that and it took a second before the Captain realised and smiled - a second in which Ianto thought he might have gone too far.

'You won't get shot for having a laugh with me, Ianto,' he pointed out, and again there was the snowflake soft touch of Jack's fingers just brushing his shoulder, his back. 'You won't. What about that outfit?'

He glanced down at the stone washed jeans and blue t-shirt. Lisa had chosen them for him; although he hated shopping, she'd never been able to understand that he preferred suits and he'd only worn her choices very occasionally. In private, since her death, that occasionally had become almost all the time. 'I just had to get out of there, and this was what I had on.'

'Oh? Shame there had to be -' and Ianto was sure that that comment would have ended with something like 'so much of it,' but Jack had moved so they were facing each other, making eye contact, and he could feel the Captain's blue eyes raking over his soul. Seeing the pain, the isolation that he'd tried so hard to hide and the flirting stopped.

'Come over here.' Jack tugged at his arm, leading him over towards the R and R area, swearing at Owen who'd left a stack of pornographic pictures there. Ianto made a mental note to move them before Gwen saw and the pair had another row.

'Why'd you come in? Really?'

He thought about lying; couldn't. 'I couldn't face twenty-four hours alone. No-one to talk to.'

'Sometimes, when you're in here, I think you could get though the whole day without saying anything to anyone.'

'That's different.'

'I know. Sit down.' Jack sprawled down onto one of the battered sofas, sat looking up at him. Not hurrying or pressurising, just being.

'Me and Lisa loved Christmas. Last year, that ship over London, it was crazy but we sat on one of the towerblocks and watched it all. I was too junior for Torchwood One to want me in on it, and Lisa...she pretended to be sick, because she knew Hartman would want them to kill the aliens and she never liked that, the killing... We watched them fly away and then it snowed and it was the first time I'd ever really seen a spaceship properly. It made it all real and it was magic... And now she's dead...'

Jack looked steadily up at him. 'My Doctor was there that day, involved in all that.'

'Doctor?'

'That man I mentioned earlier. I knew, when I heard from the Prime Minister that he was here, that everything was going to be alright. He used to make everything alright. Guess he was the one that won it for us in the end. Got up to London just after it ended, but I'd missed him. He never came looking for me...At least Lisa stayed with you.'

Ianto sat down next to him, remembering too late that the sofa was only really large enough for two people if neither of them were Jack Harkness, who towered over the rest of the team. 'Your Doctor...is he still alive?'

'I don't know. Maybe he isn't - I know he got hurt bad in the fighting; he lost his hand. Either he was hurt too bad to come for me or he didn't want to or he's dead... But I think I would have known if he died.'

'His hand?' Ianto glanced across at Jack's desk; clear except for that glass jar.

'Yeah. Knew it was his - non-human structure, see. All I've got left of him, and I got that a year ago. Year today.'

Ianto caught the pain in his voice; wondered if it had been there before and they just hadn't listened. 'You finding this as hard as I am, Jack?'

'Probably not. You had Lisa last year; been about half a century since I last saw the Doctor. You get used to it, in the end. The being alone, I mean. Get used to it or go mad.'

'Does...does anything make it easier?'

'Nothing I've tried. Work, drinking, trying to get yourself shot, having the rest of the team to look after. You can't replace them. It's just bearable, it has to be, otherwise the only thing you could do is kill yourself...Sorry, Ianto.'

'It's okay.' He was acutely aware that Jack had moved while they'd been talking, was leaning against him. 'You want a drink?'

'Yeah, sure. Just come back and sit here with it.'

'If you want.'

'Oh, I want.' There was a glint in his blue eyes that made Ianto uneasy. Not nervous but tense, almost excited, and it took away some of the cold misery that had driven him to come here. It had been months now since he'd really talked with Jack, ever since the night of Suzie's death - and how different their lives might have been since then if a Chandin craft hadn't crashed landed that night, before anything had happened between them - or if Jack hadn't avoided him ever since.

That thought made him realise the one thing Jack had left off of his list. 'Jack?'

'What?'

'Someone told me...told me that I should...look, they said it helped if you have someone else. Not a relationship, just...just shagging. That right?'

'I love it when you talk dirty.'

'Does it?'

'I don't know. Got that drink ready yet?'

'Yes, yes. He half turned to show Jack the two tumblers. 'How don't you know about it?'

'You'd be amazed at how a bit of innuendo and a few grins cover up a total lack of action.' His hands were trembling as he took the glass from Ianto. 'I knew I was right telling everyone to have the day off.'

'I only got you a drink,' he pointed out, and winced as Jack looked away, his eyes full of pain as though Ianto's comment had reminded him of someone, perhaps, who had got him drinks in a time when his world wasn't defined by the Rift. 'I didn't realise...'

'You wouldn't have known...' Abruptly, he stared at Ianto again. 'What we drinking to? Torchwood?'

'No...Everything that isn't Torchwood.'

'Why?'

'Because there has to be something better than this, hasn't there? Better than the aliens and monsters.'

'Oh, I don't know.' Jack eyed him speculatively. 'What's already here seems good enough. Not that I'm calling you a monster or anything, mind.'

He grinned across at Ianto as if he'd never felt any pain or grief, and the younger man shivered - the intensity of Jack's face was disturbing, almost threatening, and he had no way of getting away.

'What are we drinking to, then?' He queried, trying to distract Jack

He looked surprised. 'What you just said. Everything that isn't Torchwood.'

'You just said you don't agree with it...'

'I don't, but you wanted it, so...' He clinked his glass against Ianto's, letting their fingers touch. 'Everything that isn't Torchwood. And you. Cheers.'

'Cheers.' He watched Jack drink, the Captain gulping at it although he hadn't seen him touch alcohol since the night Suzie had died - he'd IM'd Ianto early that night, while they'd been waiting.

'Hey, this is good, Ianto. Man of many talents.'

'Hopefully getting drunk's one of them. Getting drunk and staying here the night.' What made him say that? He regretted it as soon as Jack smiled, but even then the Captain didn't do anything except reply.

'We could do the second bit of that on its own... You know, my room here isn't great but it'd do and drunk people aren't so much fun. I don't think so, anyway.'

'I'm not after anything like that, Sir.' He watched the shock show on Jack's face, wondering whether that was true or not. A couple of months ago, he'd been more than happy to suggest it to Jack, today... Today, even the Captain couldn't compete with the memory of Lisa. 'I just wanted a drink.'

'You could have got that at home. You drove in, said you hoped I'd be here... I'm here, aren't I? Why be on your own?'

'It's better.'

'You were the one who was asking earlier if shagging someone made it easier. Sounded like you'd had enough of being on your own.'

Playing for time, he gulped at his drink and after a moment, asked 'don't you find it hard sometimes, being gay?' Embarrassed, ashamed because it was almost a question that he needed to answer, he run the words together but the Captain understood him and grinned.

'I'm not. Ask Rose or someone. Estelle...Estelle knew,' and his voice was wistful.

'But...'

'You humans always have to label everything. The Doctor just grouped all of that together as love and let it be. And dancing. Just whatever felt right. Women, men... Timelords.'

'Me and Lisa felt right.'

'So did me and the Doctor. He never thought so. And I don't think ya ever feel like that twice in a lifetime; take that from someone's who's lived a few of them through. So it's being like how you feel now forever or it's going with someone just to pass a few hours. Stop it hurting for a bit, take the darkness away. Not love, just...just something.'

'I thought you said that didn't make it any easier, earlier. When we were talking about it all.'

'I meant with strangers or whatever...I know about that. It don't make a difference. People ya care about...Hell, Ianto, it's Christmas Day and you're the only one I've seen and I guess it's the same for you, so it wouldn't be so bad, would it?'

His voice was hoarse, choking, almost and Ianto was torn between apprehension and pity - this was the Captain with his defences down, changed from the military man he normally was, and it scared him more than the familiar sight of the Captain armed, furious, killing. 'I only wanted a bit of company.'

'You've had that for a while now. Made it better? Stopped you feeling like you're the only one who's ever been left on your own, and you want to make someone else _hurt? _Make someone else feel? Cos let me tell you, it never makes a fucking difference. And it won't for you, either. It don't.

'This might.' He laid one arm on Ianto's shoulders, a touch at odds with the gentle affection he had shown earlier. 'If not, it'll at least keep you warm.'

'No.' He tried to move away, but the Captain's grasp now actually hurt. 'Jack, no.'

'Yes, Ianto. It'll help. Lisa's dead. How long you planning to feel like that for? You need this...And me, _I _need it.'

'Get off.'

'Ya wanted me here and I am. This is what I want.' He shifted around to see Ianto and for a second their eyes met, a lightening charge between blue skies and sapphire sea.

He'd expected Jack's gaze to be how his grip felt; aggressive and frightening but at first, the Captain looked unsure, almost needy, and Ianto stopped trying to pull away from that contact for a moment.

'It's what I want, Ian. And you, you need it.'

'You're hurting me, Jack.' He was, his fingers dug into the nerves across his shoulder and throat, half suffocating him, showing Jack's strength.

'No. No, I'd never hurt you.' He pulled Ianto's head down, roughly forcing their lips into contact. Gasping, Ianto tried to pull away, but Jack held him, the pressure so intense that Ianto could feel his mouth being bruised.

That hurt, his back hurt as Jack had pushed him against the arm of the sofa and for all of that, it was good in a way that sickened him. The Captain tasted of alcohol and sweat that had slicked his hair down and run into his mouth; Ianto could taste his own blood where Jack had cut his lips, but the Captain was holding him close, forcing him, a personal and intimate demonstration of the dominance that he brought to Torchwood; something Ianto had always admired in him.

'Did that hurt?' he demanded, his breath coming in desperately harsh gasps.

'Yes.'

'It shouldn't.'

Their second kiss was just as rough; rougher because the Captain was trying to get his shirt off. Yet he felt almost safe as well, and for a minute, he found himself kissing Jack back, seeing his blue eyes light up with pleasure.

'Ya sure?' Jack asked, but he never waited for a reply.

Their lovemaking - the Captain's lovemaking, as there was nothing else to it - was violent. Two or three times, Ianto yelled at him to stop - it hurt and he was scared and this man wasn't the one he'd been talking with so easily a few hours ago, even the man in charge of the team who he'd made coffee for. But the Captain didn't listen and after a while, he stopped fighting, not wanting this but surrendering partly to something deep in his nature and partly to the wishes of someone who was so much stronger than him.

Later, they sat on the battered sofa together, Ianto as far away from the Captain as he could manage - afraid of him now, but more afraid still of being left alone. They'd mostly dressed, although he was wearing Jack's greatcoat because his shirt had been torn, and even though it was only the two of them, he'd turned the collar up to disguise the myriad bruises around his neck. Nothing would cover the ones on his face though. Jack had hurt him badly; beyond the bruises, every muscle he had was screaming and he was only there because he had no other place to go.

He was crying.

The Captain looked tired but content, still surrounded by that aura of power and danger. Half dozing as he appeared to be, it took him a long while to realise Ianto's distress. Sleepily, he peered over. 'What's wrong?'

'This. You.' He stumbled over the simple words, his voice even rougher than it had been as he shouted at the Captain to stop.

'Why?'

Ianto paused before answering, rubbing away the latest rills of blood that had dried around his lips. 'Why? I asked you to _stop, _Jack. You say you needed that, so...am I something you use when you need it?' Part of him, remote and far removed from his normal state of mind, wondered whether he could go along with that.

'No, you needed it. And you didn't fight too hard, did you? You...you needed to feel something.'

'Not like that...Only things I felt was that I was scared of you and everything was hurting...'

'Ianto, I know what you were feeling! I had my hands there, remember? You enjoyed all that,' and his voice was calm, assured.

'No,' he whispered. 'You scared me.'

'You scare me, Ianto. You take everything Torchwood throws at you and you keep coming back...You scare the crap out of me...How'd ya do that?'

'Shut up, Jack!' His voice wavered. 'You do know what Gwen would call what we just did, don't you? I wish...I wish...'

'Wishing never changed everything, Ianto. And you wouldn't really change anything, would you? Because maybe it was scary and maybe it hurt but Torchwood's like that anyway, and you love it... You'd never want any of it to change, would you? And me...I might scare you but you'd never leave me or this...You couldn't.'

The Captain reached over towards him; Ianto leant away. 'I could arrange something different for you if you wanted it. A place to live, references, records, everything ya want. And you wouldn't have Torchwood and I'd never be there. You'd never choose that.

'Not over this. Being with me, working here, what we just had. You wouldn't.'

He didn't think the Captain was being arrogant; he genuinely seemed to believe that Ianto had enjoyed it. 'Is that the deal? I get to stay here and you rape me when you feel like it?' He hadn't intended to use that word; it wasn't quite right but it was the nearest...and he'd never believed he would be able to make that expression cross the Captain's face; that hopeless, self-loathing look that he'd worn after Suzie's death.

'Ianto? God, Ianto, I didn't... I didn't mean...Was that what it felt like? Because I thought that you... I thought that you wanted...I'm sorry.'

'I thought that was how you meant it to be. I asked you to stop,' he tried to explain.

'I'm sorry,' and he stood and moved away. 'I thought...It's been so long for me...that isn't a fucking excuse, it's true but... I'll understand if ya wanna leave.'

'No.' That answer was so instinctive that he surprised himself as well as Jack. He was scared of him, furious with him, but he didn't want to leave him. Jack had let him come here earlier, allowed him to spend Christmas here. Jack had talked to him, had remembered that he'd lost Lisa and cared about it. Alongside that kindness, what was going along with whatever Jack demanded of him?

'I'm so sorry,' the Captain repeated, staring down at him; still with that curiously intent look on his face, as though this was the most important conversation he could remember having.

Ianto stood up suddenly, hating the way the Captain was looming over him - and partly, so that he could look at him, as well. 'At first, it was good...Before you stopped listening to me. From when you kissed me...The talking, I liked that...And maybe...look, that was my first time with a man, so...maybe it was normal?'

Jack raised an eyebrow, grinning. 'Was it? I always forget what you lot are like. I'm sorry it was like that.'

He met and kept the Captain's gaze; hurt, nervous but not as lonely as he had been. The Captain did care about him, in a way, and that made all the difference in the world; he hoped it was the same for the other man. 'Does it get better than that? Can it?'

Jack stepped forward, put both arms around Ianto's shoulders, and although his first instinct was to pull away, he didn't. This was what Jack wanted; the Captain hadn't killed him the first time and if he hadn't stopped when Ianto had begged him ...well, he was the one in charge. It had to be his choice.

'Oh, yes, it does. Why?'

'Because...' he moved slightly in Jack's hold, letting their bodies touch. It wasn't much to trade, his body for their friendship, for staying with Torchwood, and he didn't think Jack was aware of it like that, hoped it wasn't. If the Captain believed he loved him...a small thing to make Jack happy.

'Okay. You're staying. And...'

Ianto kissed him this time, wincing, feeling blood run and muscles spasm, but Jack was gentle with him this time. A good deal...one he could almost come to enjoy, because after all, he'd wanted it once, months back, hadn't he? Maybe Jack had had a right to claim what Ianto had offered then.

Some time later, lying next to Jack who had his arms locked around him, he heard the Captain whisper 'Merry Christmas, Ianto.'

He replied, whispering the words he hadn't thought he'd be able to say this year, or ever again. 'Merry Christmas to you.'

'Ya mean that?' and he couldn't blame Jack for the note of disbelief in his voice.

'Yes.' This was the man he'd vowed to let die, the man who'd pretty much raped him hours earlier but oh God, how much Ianto meant that wish.


End file.
